This post is precious to me since it's almost a year of my writer's block that I am back to my writing again. It feels liberating and soulful to me. Motherhood for past 1.5 years has been hectic, tiring, joyful, healing and fun! Nothing in all these years of my life has kept me this busy nor as grounded. Life feels like I have taken 2 steps back and 4 steps forward all in a skip of a beat. I am sure every motherhood has it shares of challenges and to each his/her own.
After my Caeserean in Feb 2014, after I returned home from the hospital I was clueless. I felt I have dived deep into the ocean with waves till my neck. I didn't even know how to breastfeed. It was too much of a struggle for both the baby and me. And then we both learnt how to get it right. We bonded so much better. We communicated with such less words and yet we knew how we felt. It is a connection of divinity. Even to this day I intuitively know what he needs. That's the power of nature I suppose. We women were created to experience this. Nothing in life can match the love you can feel when you hold your baby. It is a flow of energy in each of veins. You just know you are alive only to protect and nurture your little one. The little hands and legs curled up against your body makes you feel like a protective lioness. I promised my son deep in my heart that I will protect him from all the vices of this world.
My son turned colic in the first few weeks of his birth. He would scream all through the nights for months together. The only thing that would soothe him was my feeding. I learnt during those trying times that perserverance pays off. I prayed to every God I knew to relieve my son of the pain. I wept with him with his pain and my own. We shared our sorrows. But we bonded so much more too. The joy I get even today when he jumps in joy to be with me over everyone else is unmatched.
It also came at a price. I had no "me-time". My life revolved around caring for my little one. Endless feeding, caring, cleaning et al. This happened round the clock. And add to it the colic part of it and lots of sleepless nights and days. It felt frustrating many a times. Many days I would have cried to get a break. To just run away some place alone. To just get my time back. But through it at all, I stuck it through.
Unfortunately few months after my C-Section, I was diagnosed of a epidermal cyst. I had to be operated again and I developed hematoma post that. It was my most difficult time of life. With a breastfeeding baby and improper rest for myself, my problems extended to more than a month. I struggled and struggled. But I never gave up. The nurturer in me stood stronger. My only goal was my baby and nothing else. Nothing mattered to me. No pain, no sleeplessness mattered. I just wanted his happiness and health. To my heart, my pain was nothing compared to my baby's. He is my life and nothing less.
As he grew older, the crunch of time became more. I had to resume work and the struggle grew multifold. I persevered. I could have quit my job if I wanted to. I never did. I have always felt your abilities are always limited to your own thinking. If your mind thinks it possible, it sure is. Each day was a new journey. I tried very hard and still do make each day purposeful.
Now my son is 1 year 4 months. I now very consciously make time for myself. For my own sanity. I have realized it the hard way to let go. Sometimes as a mother, I become overprotective and controlling of the care others give him. I know this is a weakness of mine. But my heart just does not accept anything less than the best for my dearest. I am learning to let go and let it be. The struggles still continue. But life feels less frustrating since I have made peace with my inner self. I now consider "my time" important too. I consciously make time to read. In that regard getting my writing skills back too was very important to my soul. I am an instinctive writer. I just feel the urge and I bring pen to paper. The mind can be creative only when relaxed. I have consciously taken it upon myself to invest time in myself and my relationships. The stress of motherhood took a toll on all my relationships. I deeply apologize to all around me whom I may have hurt. But I am proud of these relationships too since these are the people who still stand by me no matter what. That's the strength of a relationship. When I look back at the year that has been, I feel grateful to God for all the good things I have. I feel very thankful and humbled. I am alive for my son. And his smile can heal away any struggle of mine. Life is a collection of such miracle moments. Each moment I have is a moment of miracle I have with God himself. Why do I need to pray to God when I can serve him each second of my life. The spiritual self of mine relates to the God in my arms than the God in temple.
After my experience, I vowed to make the struggle little less for all other mothers around me. On that note, I have now taken up the CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator Course too. I am in process of completion. I hope to make the feeding experience little more enjoyable for new mothers.
At the end of it, Cheers to Motherhood!!
After my Caeserean in Feb 2014, after I returned home from the hospital I was clueless. I felt I have dived deep into the ocean with waves till my neck. I didn't even know how to breastfeed. It was too much of a struggle for both the baby and me. And then we both learnt how to get it right. We bonded so much better. We communicated with such less words and yet we knew how we felt. It is a connection of divinity. Even to this day I intuitively know what he needs. That's the power of nature I suppose. We women were created to experience this. Nothing in life can match the love you can feel when you hold your baby. It is a flow of energy in each of veins. You just know you are alive only to protect and nurture your little one. The little hands and legs curled up against your body makes you feel like a protective lioness. I promised my son deep in my heart that I will protect him from all the vices of this world.
My son turned colic in the first few weeks of his birth. He would scream all through the nights for months together. The only thing that would soothe him was my feeding. I learnt during those trying times that perserverance pays off. I prayed to every God I knew to relieve my son of the pain. I wept with him with his pain and my own. We shared our sorrows. But we bonded so much more too. The joy I get even today when he jumps in joy to be with me over everyone else is unmatched.
It also came at a price. I had no "me-time". My life revolved around caring for my little one. Endless feeding, caring, cleaning et al. This happened round the clock. And add to it the colic part of it and lots of sleepless nights and days. It felt frustrating many a times. Many days I would have cried to get a break. To just run away some place alone. To just get my time back. But through it at all, I stuck it through.
Unfortunately few months after my C-Section, I was diagnosed of a epidermal cyst. I had to be operated again and I developed hematoma post that. It was my most difficult time of life. With a breastfeeding baby and improper rest for myself, my problems extended to more than a month. I struggled and struggled. But I never gave up. The nurturer in me stood stronger. My only goal was my baby and nothing else. Nothing mattered to me. No pain, no sleeplessness mattered. I just wanted his happiness and health. To my heart, my pain was nothing compared to my baby's. He is my life and nothing less.
As he grew older, the crunch of time became more. I had to resume work and the struggle grew multifold. I persevered. I could have quit my job if I wanted to. I never did. I have always felt your abilities are always limited to your own thinking. If your mind thinks it possible, it sure is. Each day was a new journey. I tried very hard and still do make each day purposeful.
Now my son is 1 year 4 months. I now very consciously make time for myself. For my own sanity. I have realized it the hard way to let go. Sometimes as a mother, I become overprotective and controlling of the care others give him. I know this is a weakness of mine. But my heart just does not accept anything less than the best for my dearest. I am learning to let go and let it be. The struggles still continue. But life feels less frustrating since I have made peace with my inner self. I now consider "my time" important too. I consciously make time to read. In that regard getting my writing skills back too was very important to my soul. I am an instinctive writer. I just feel the urge and I bring pen to paper. The mind can be creative only when relaxed. I have consciously taken it upon myself to invest time in myself and my relationships. The stress of motherhood took a toll on all my relationships. I deeply apologize to all around me whom I may have hurt. But I am proud of these relationships too since these are the people who still stand by me no matter what. That's the strength of a relationship. When I look back at the year that has been, I feel grateful to God for all the good things I have. I feel very thankful and humbled. I am alive for my son. And his smile can heal away any struggle of mine. Life is a collection of such miracle moments. Each moment I have is a moment of miracle I have with God himself. Why do I need to pray to God when I can serve him each second of my life. The spiritual self of mine relates to the God in my arms than the God in temple.
After my experience, I vowed to make the struggle little less for all other mothers around me. On that note, I have now taken up the CAPPA Certified Lactation Educator Course too. I am in process of completion. I hope to make the feeding experience little more enjoyable for new mothers.
At the end of it, Cheers to Motherhood!!
